Take a look at this picture. If you see what I see: a vermin-infested, tree-scavenging, hole-digging, soulless rodent, then you've come to the right place. On the other hand, if you're like the irritating minority of weak-minded and girlish sweetmeats who see a cute woodland creature, then take your slumber party somewhere else: you don't belong here. Squirrelassassins.com is a lifeline. A gathering ground. A rallying point in the war on what many consider creation's greatest nuisance: the squirrel, and we will stop at nothing until the veil of so-called 'cuteness' is lifted and the nut-cracking little lowlifes are exposed for the useless and vindictive parasites they are. And while it pains me to say this, it's important to note - - squirrelassassins.com doesn't advocate violence of any kind against squirrels, however, if the occasional lightning bolt or woodchipper takes out one or two or five, well, that's just the earth testifying, and we'll sleep knowing the universe agrees with us. Who is the Squirrel Assassin? The Squirrel Assassin is just a guy with a dream: the creation a sounding board for the unsung legion of squirrel-averse individuals from all over the world. Hailing from a semi-rural area, he's seen more than his fair share of injustice at the furry hands of squirrels (as well as their twisted brethren, the chipmunks and the marmots) and will fight tirelessly and without mercy for their systematic humiliation. Letters The Squirrel Assassin is here to help. Dear Squirrel Assassin: Our backyard is a couple of acres and it's all wooded, so my patio is always crawling with squirrels. Nasty little buggers they are. The problem is my ten-year old daughter loves them. She calls the squirrels 'her family'. What can I do? Concerned Idaho Falls, ID Dear Concerned: You should be concerned. By my estimation, those buck-toothed little brainwashers have already begun their campaign of indoctrination on your daughter, who is clearly insane. My suggestion is to remove the squirrels before they succeed and your little girl turns on your completely. Nothing good can come of this unless you act immediately. I've heard stories of packs of Idaho ground squirrels taking oven entire classrooms full of children, many of whom were never heard from again. Dear Squirrel Assassin: A pack (are they called 'packs'?) has moved into my garage. I've made efforts to remedy the situation, but they're not leaving. Can you suggest a plan of attack? Overrun Murfreesboro, TN Dear Overrun: Move Dear Squirrel Assassin: I just found out my state government is spending $1.8 million on a program to protect endangered squirrels along a dangerous stretch of road near my house. Now, I've hit a squirrel before on this road, so I'll agree that it's dangerous, but a $2 million expenditure seems a bit much. Fiscally Conservative Macon, GA Dear Fiscally Conservative A bit much? More like an egregious misallocation of funds! It's an outrage. $2mil to protect the beady-eyed menace? I'll tell you what's endangered in Georgia: their common sense. Maybe they should build them a high-rise apartment with a Pest Penthouse, maybe do it up in the Mediterranean style. Dear Squirrel Assassin: I just picked up 2009's 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel' and it was positively delightful. Can't you just give Alvin, Simon and Theodore a break? I mean, they're not even squirrels, and besides, they speak English and sing like birds! CHIPMUNKS RULE! Bangor, ME Dear Chipmunks Rule! A sick, twisted, sweater-wearing, caterwauling rodent is still a rodent, even an animated one. And you know what else sings like birds? BIRDS! My suggestion to you is to seriously consider therapy -- at least for your musical taste. Alvin, Theodore, and Simon have remained essentially unchanged since the 1950s -- and if that's not the sign of some sort of demonic possession, than I don't know what is.